Let's Talk About Boundaries...
Boundaries: What are they and why do we need them?
Boundaries are important. They help keep us safe. They help us understand limits. They establish basic guidelines for interpersonal relationships. When people respect the boundaries you create, there is respect and trust. Not only that, but we learn to respect and trust ourselves in the process.
Boundaries can be a scary word. But it is one of the most comforting for me, now. For a long time, I didn’t have any boundaries. I was conditioned to not respect myself. Because of this, I believed other peoples needs and desires were more important than my own. Giving away pieces of myself was my way of trying to feel important or needed. I gave away my time, money, energy, resources and I felt like I was giving myself away. This left me feeling angry and hurt. I believed my voice didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. From my perspective everyone took from me and no one gave back. I felt like a victim of my own life. In the end, I was left with very little self-esteem or self-worth. This needed to change. I needed to change.
When I gained awareness of where I was, I made a conscious choice to shift my energy to where I wanted it to be. I made a list of the people I admired most and the list of their top three qualities. This helped me focus on what I wanted and needed in my life. The one trait that always stood out was their ability to assert their boundaries in kind way. It showed me they respected themselves and by creating space for all they valued in their lives. It also taught me saying no to someone else is really saying yes to myself. It took me a long time before I understood what healthy boundaries meant and how to apply them to my own life. I applied the knowledge I learned and created the the life I wanted. One that feels safe, full of abundance, and now I show up more energetically engaged and more authentically not only for the people in my life but for myself as well. Today, I am happy and live a life filled with joy. Yes, I have boundaries.
Let’s dig in!
Physical Boundaries
See this fence? It is a physical boundary. We see the fence and know where to stop. Everything inside the fence is someone else’s space. They want their privacy and also, it is for our own protection. There may be something dangerous lurking there that we don’t know about.
Personal Boundaries
Personal boundaries work in the same way as physical boundaries except we don’t see them. We assert them. It is actually an advanced form of assertiveness. Personal boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves.
The 7 Types of Personal Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries (not taking responsibility for others feelings). You are responsible for your feelings and yours alone. This is an area where people in relationships sometimes can feel manipulated.
When I share my feelings with you, I feel shut down when you personalize everything. I need you to acknowledge what I am saying and try to be present even when the conversation feels challenging.
I need to be respected always. I promise to always respect you too. Right now, I want to hear what you have to say, but I do not have the emotional bandwidth to give you my full attention. Can we schedule a time that is good for both of us so you can be heard and I can fully listen?
Intellectual Boundaries: These include your thoughts, ideas and curiosities. It can feel like these are breached when you are not heard or acknowledged and you feel shut down. BE AWARE OF THIS!
These are my thoughts, I do not like being made fun of, I would like you to stop.
We do not seem to be getting anywhere with this conversation, perhaps we need a break from this for a little bit.
Internal Boundaries (regulating your emotions): Ask yourself are you eating well? Are you sleeping well? What is going on in your life that is causing this feeling to come up, this need for a boundary?
I feel angry and that’s okay, but I am not going to be an angry person.
I am feeling very overwhelmed and overtired, I am going to take a nap so I can recoup a little bit.
Material Boundaries (money, books, clothes, car, everything you own): These get breached when they are over-used, stolen, or manipulated. It’s okay to have your own things and to enjoy them. It’s okay to not give yourself and your things away.
I am willing to share my book, but it needs to be returned in two weeks.
I am willing to loan you money but lets set up a payment plan so I can be reimbursed.
Physical Boundaries (your personal space, your body): Physical boundaries include everything! Even the food you eat and the water you drink. If someone reaches across the table and grabs your drink to sip it without your permission, they are breaching a boundary. If they come into your bedroom while you are sleeping, they are affecting your sleep, your emotional safety, your space. Physical boundaries affect so much.
You are standing too close to me, please move step aside.
I am happy to share my table with you (at Starbucks) but please ask me before just sitting down.
Sexual Boundaries (everything having to do with how, when, where and with whom your body intimately engaged). Remember, no one has the right to your body. You get to choose how you choose to share it, show it, engage with it, and with whom. Everything about your body is your choice.
Asking for consent.
I am okay with kissing and hugging but I am not okay with other physical intimacy.
Time Boundaries: Setting time boundaries helps you have more time for yourself and the activities you deem important rather than giving your time away to others.
Saying goodbye on the phone and the other person goes on: “It’s time for me to go now. I enjoyed the conversation, but I need time for myself. I hope you have a good night.”
I realize you missed the appointment today, but this is my personal business and as a self employed owner, I understand cancellations happen and I am happy to reschedule within notice given.
How to Set Your Boundaries---Time to Journal
Recommendation: Use a notepad or computer to journal.
Who do you struggle with most in your life with regard to having healthy boundaries?
How does the lack of boundaries make you feel?
Where in your body do you feel it?
What area(s) of your life feel like the energy is being zapped or taken from you? (think of these areas as possible areas for boundary setting)
Thinking about these areas, what would an ideal situation look like for you?
What are your top three values?
How does the intention of having a boundary align with your values?
Know What You Want
Listen to your intuition. The voice inside of you that tells you what you need. This may come from a “gut feeling” and an “inner knowing” or someplace deep in your “heart center” but it is definitively in you, talking to you, and all you need to do is start to listen.
Mediate for 10 minutes
Journal about the feelings and thoughts that come up
What are you feeling?
Where are you feeling it?
What memories does it evoke?
What do you believe this is saying to you? (this is your intuition)
Communicate Your Boundaries
This is probably the most difficult part, especially for people not used to speaking up for themselves. Know, others will try to breach your boundaries, you will need to reinforce them over and over maybe even multiple times. Try to think of the best way the other person will receive the message. Will it be written communication or verbal? Will they need to see you face to face or will a call on the phone be enough?
What might be some ways to communicate your boundaries to friends, family, co-workers?
What are some potential barriers to this communication?
What needs to be addressed to assure you are successful?
Identify your tribe of support
So Now What?
Write down your desired goal: in this case it is a boundary. With whom, why is it important, what purpose does it serve.
What is the first action steps or micro-steps you are willing to take. Think about the smallest action that will move you toward your goal.
When do you plan to take this first step?
How do you plan to hold yourself accountable?
Let me know how it goes! I hope this was helpful.